This is the story of six intrepid adventurers, six travellers from ancient times, and their trip into the heartland of the evil empire, Europe, on a secret mission to do secret stuff.
We were there to infiltrate the local community and discover what we might miss once the British Empire sails chaotically away.
This is the Pyrenean mountain range, a vast expanse of rock and snow (although, not in actual fact a huge amount of the latter) found separating France from Spain. It was built here long ago to keep out the marauding foreigners, in much the same way as Trump wants to do in the once great USofA, and Boris, Farrage and May (the new version of Top Gear) now want to do between the Great Empire of Britain and its lowly neighbours.
These adventurers went incognito, posing as three old farts and their equal opportunity partners.
Let me introduce these fine specimens to you...
From the left we have Jane 'Build Those Core Muscles' Whiting, then Claire 'I Am Really Really Sorry' Kenward sitting next to her partner in crime Phil 'Only 3½ Pints Honestly)' Kenward. Opposite we have yours truly, Phil 'Flat On His Face' Hyde, then Kev 'There's A Funny Smell In The Back' Whiting and finally Annick 'Get Off That Fucking Phone' Hyde.
I introduce to you: The Vet Saga Spy Group.
Preparation for this outing was mostly in the form of praying for snow. This turned out to be too effective and mostly in the wrong place, causing cancellation of flights from the UK and frustration all round. When the team finally arrived, we headed straight for a secret outpost hidden in an isolated Pyrenean valley.
Here we can see one of our group wondering where the bloody car had gone.
Fear not. Although unexplainable by science, Claire 'I'm Really Really Sorry' explained that, in the absence of any logical explanation, of course it was due to bloody poltergeists!
There had, thankfully, been a significant dump of snow outside our headquarters. Also thankfully this was easily explainable by science.
Although this made breakfast al fresco a little tricky.
Getting deeper into foreign territories incognito was sometimes difficult as Kev 'There's a Funny Smell In The Back' found out to his cost.
Of course, being equal-opportunity underground agents meant all had the right to take on this much sought-after position, as Claire 'I'm Really Really Sorry' was to find out.
To better infiltrate this foreign region, we split into two groups. One was to head up into them thar hills,
whilst the other was to wander around aimlessly...
Wandering aimlessly caused one of our number, she of the extremely tight core musculature, fall victim to several of the cunningly hidden bear traps. This caused great concern amongst her companions.
Thankfully, Claire had been down several holes...
After each foray, we were to meet and discuss our findings,
seamlessly merging in with the local population.
The success of this mission hinged on being circumspect with what we said. The 'B' word was not to be mentioned on pain of severe punishment (5€). We wanted none of the locals to realise how important it was for us to get our original passport colour back.
As you can see, we merged in well with Johny Foreigner.
Our search for a secret WMD base was successful
although we dared not approach too closely incase Claire 'I'm Really Really Sorry' slipped to her doom. She was scared of heights and of mildly upsetting anyone.
We also could see in the distance a place where much cavorting seemed to be going on. Typical non-brits...
Whilst in this distant location, we suspected that our reports were secretly being sent by a anonymous spy in our group.
After trying several European non-warm beers...
and stuffing vast quantities of local produce
Phil 'Flat On His Face' proceeded to live up to his pseudonym and consequently break a rib, cutting short our desperately important undercover work, forcing us to return home with our vital information, if not Phil's thorax, intact.
Saying farewell to the foreign mountains, we headed home, happy in the knowledge that we had done our bit to bring down an entire nation.
The Dis-United Kingdom.
Fin
This mission was, in part, funded by the government, in the guise of the Winter Fuel Payment. 'In part' because all but one member of the team (3½ pints) were born a couple of months too late to receive it. Grrrr.
Hahahaha and a good time was had by all. Sounds as if you all had a great time and plenty of snow.
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