Invasion & the Weapon of Mass Destruction

A week in the Dordogne.

This week in the Dordogne was to be our first use of our motorhome in six years. You will discover the reason for this below…

Spending a week in the Dordogne has been something of an eye-opener. There are more foreigners than you can shake a stick at! Walking around the shops and markets, you can often here the sound of foreign tongues.

And the most common of them is…French.

Yes it is true, the French are attempting another invasion of that little part of Britain that is called the Dordogne.

Several times in history the French have tried, in vain, to enlarge their meagre lands. Richard the lion-heart went to great lengths to keep the Dordogne forever British. He built towers and castles all over the place.

The Frenchies also had a go at castle building, although they tended to be a little OTT.

After checking out several chateaux, we spent some time wandering around some local townships, content that, despite the influx of foreigners, the English language still reigns supreme…

In response to their lack of progress in conquering parts of mainland Europe that are forever British, they have unleashed their greatest weapon of mass destruction.

Bureaucracy.

This beast is a mighty one, and has had a deep affect on many Brits. Being faced with reams of paperwork for the most minor of transactions, can weaken ones resolve to live. Add to this that all such paperwork is in written French, a completely different language to spoken French, then it’s power becomes overwhelming.

Two examples.

A couple of weeks ago we had to sign for an appartment for Sophie. After half an hour of signing and initialling forms which were read out to us at incredible speed, my patience was wearing thin. At my fifth ‘is that all?’ request, our torturer looked up and grinned fiendishly. “Only one more Monsieur”. This 'one more’ involved hand copying 3 sheets of tightly typed French. This took me about forty minutes. The resulting mixture of squiggles and lines was totally incomprehensible, but has now been taken and filed away for posterity. My hand is still recovering.

Ludicrous maybe, but not a fraction on the ludicrous scale compared to the adventures with our motorhome. For its first four years in France, we kept up its MOT’s in the UK, thus keeping it insured. As this was way too much hassle, we decided to get it registered in France.

Simple?

Not.

After going through the process of assessing its conformity to French regulations (in itself a long and confusing process) we were told that the list of 20 odd problems would cost us at least €20,000 and then still may not conform?!?

We ditched the idea. Our treasured camping car was left to rust in front of our house.

After two years, we were close to dumping it, but decided to give it one more try. This time the garage in Toulouse that we had previously dealt with, suggested things would be easier this time as he was a drinking buddy of the guy running the local regulatory authority. We took the van too his mate for a 'once over’. This involved walking once around the van. He said that the tyres needed changing (they did not conform because they were measured in inches instead of centimetres. They were Michelin…) but nothing else was necessary! Dream on.

With some relief, we started the process. A process that took two years!

It did not stop with the tyres. After several 'just one more thing’ changes, the van was driven to Paris for its test for conformity. It failed. The hand brake was non-functional (it had just passed the equivalent of the MOT in France).

It returned to Toulouse in disgrace. It then went through a lot of work to try to get its handbrake up to requirements (the van is an automatic, thus rarely needs a handbrake). It then went to Bordeaux for the brakes to be tested. It failed. A bribe of €1,000 was given. It passed.

Having gone through all this, we then awaited the relevant paperwork. This took a further six months!!!

And so, after finally evading the behemoth of French bureaucracy, and at not inconsiderable cost, we finally set off for the Dordogne on its inaugural drive, a week in Little Britain.

Here are all the photos taken in the Dordogne:



and of the first day spent in Oradour-sur-glane (see previous post):

Doom and gloom

…and so, in an attempt to escape the low hovering over Montauban, we headed for the Dordogne. This cunning plan was designed to lift spirits, so in my quest for fulfilment I looked to my bucket list and saw with interest that one of the top items was a visit to a town nearby.

The town? Oradour-sur-Glane.

Those of you who know of this place may have realised that the only spirits likely to be raised there are those of the dead. On 10 June 1944 the German Waffen-SS encircled this town and killed everyone in it. 642 souls were massacred that day.

The men were herded into buildings and shot (190 died there), the women and 205 children were forced into the church where they were burned to death or shot.

A tram arrived in the town as the massacre was ending. Most on board were killed.

The town has been left exactly as it was found as a monument to those that died there that day.

Most of the nazis went onto be killed elsewhere in their retreat. Some did go to court for crimes against humanity. Many of them where French conscripted into the German army.

All were convicted. The French were later given pardons.

—

Next stop, somewhere more cheerful. Any bar will do…

Everything is awesome!

The last few months have been somewhat difficult, thus the refreshing lack of blogs recently. To try to shake off the ‘black dog’ we had a day out in a local amusement park called Walibi, where everything is awesome!

Awesome speeding cars…

Awesome gravity defying pirate ships…

Awesome spiral vomit machines…

Awesome flying firemen…

Awesome flying pee sprayers

and most awesome of all, the realisation of how relaxing home can be…

Sometimes…

Phil

Next week, the Dordogne!

Size matters

It’s true. Nearly 4 months after ordering it, my birthday present has just arrived, and it’s a whopper! Thanks to all those kind donations, this is the new telephoto lens I’ve been waiting for (a Tamron 150-600mm).

Currently, the ducks in the pond are wondering why I’m constantly pointing this big boy at them. I need to get in as much practice as possible before a visit to the Serengetti in a couple of months.

This is one of those photos. Although I don’t think it’s my best, it has had more views on Flickr than any other picture I’ve ever taken (currently about 4,000). (Editors note: despite these figures being meaningless, it seems to be having a disturbing affect on the size of Phil’s ego)

Personally I prefer this one:

My attempt at photographing the local birds has proved less successful:

Anyway, thanks again all who helped towards my new toy.

Phil

Oxford Blue

Porterhouse Blue was a ridiculously funny book written by Tom Sharpe about a mythical Cambridge college and how it’s masters ate and drank themselves into cardiac arrest (thus the ‘blue’ ).

Geoff, a schoolmate of mine going back a little while (ahem) attempted a similar thing with me in his hometown of Oxford. A day walking around Oxford, climbing its towers, photographing its sights, was, I believe, an attempt to push this half crippled body of mine to its limit.

And so, with Geoffs help, after walking many hours, climbing untold steps, suffering vertigo, upsetting pigeons, clicking multiple pictures and spending several hours on photoshop stitching them all together, I ended up with this masterpiece soon to be hung in the Tate & Lyle

Thanks Geoff, although next time I might just take a picture of your nearly identical photo hanging on your wall….

We also visited Hogwarts;

Christchurch College;

and even saw the Manhatten skyline…

After avoiding cardiac arrest and photographing most of Southern England, we met with Jon & Luke to go to see 'Yes’ in concert. I last saw them about 40 years ago so was expecting Zimmerman frames and memory loss. Instead they gave a magnificent performance with Steve Howe’s guitar even keeping Jon awake. I couldn’t take my camera, so here is the word 'yes’….



Altogether, a pretty bloody good day.

Continuing with the blue theme, the previous few days spent in the Wye Valley were not wasted as the bluebells are incredible this year. (Hmmm, that sounds a little gay….) I guess the verdant moss may indicate a surfeit of water but 'who cares?’ with scenery like this.

So, onwards and upwards, I am now sitting in Bristol Airport, heading for a week in the Pyrenees, searching for elusive mountains and the occasional tree to photograph. A couple of bears would be nice…

Phil

Update

Hi all.

Last year I set myself a goal: to run the Montauban 10k in April of this year, and then possibly try for greater distances.

Fail.

Thanks to ‘f**ked-up feet’ syndrome, the goalposts haven’t just moved, they’ve buggered off completely.

No worries, I always have my photography to fall back on…

Until recently, every scene I have looked at has resembled the above. That kinda 'misty out-of-focus’ look has been the norm for a long time.

Romantic but not too practical.

And so, French surgeons, after finishing with hoovering out the back of my eyes last year, are now working on the middle bit of 'em. One lens out, and one to go, and I can already tell that my vision will be better than it has been in over ten years, maybe more.

However, currently my life consists of changing multiple glasses every 5 minutes (remember professor Branestawm anyone?)…

…walking the dogs around the local countryside…

…taking in the local sights…

…the occasional hike to the top of the odd mountain…

…strolling around the garden watching the weeds grow…

…watching enviously as others use the pool…

…and relaxing with friends and family.

Although the latter appears to be winning out at the moment, this years goal is to travel.

Lots.

And to that end, I’m starting next week with… Wales. Doh…

Talking of which, please take a look at a website I’m making to help rent out my cottage there (I’m heading back to Wales to finalise this)

www.wye-valley-cottage.co.uk

Cheers, wish me luck

Phil

Ski Club '14

Hi all

Instead of boring you with seperate ski-trips and visitors, I thought it better to bore you a single long episode of all our exciting and varied adventures on the snow this year.

After a short visit from Goeff, we had two weeks of visiting family. Replacing last years comedy act of Ruth, Joe and Jenny, we had a pair of snowboard nutters in the form of Christian (with Lisa) and Marta (with Luke).

Whilst Christian was attempting to break his neck…

…Lisa was trying to break Sophies’s….

Luke and Marta took over in the entertainment stakes…

entertaining us with modern dancing in the restaurants…

and break dancing on the slopes…

This is my kind of skiing - watching others make idiots of themselves.

Book early to make an idiot of yourself next year….

Meanwhile, it’s a dogs life…

Here’s all the pics….