Bottoms

This is rapidly becoming one of the worlds most popular words in the English language, although how it translates into other languages may not be so amusing. I know that it is popular here because I hear myself saying it quite a lot. Well, someone has to listen to me don’t they?

Looking back through my wildlife photography, it dawned on me that maybe I have a thing about bottoms.

It also reminded me that I have spent a very significant amount of time with my arm up bottoms of various descriptions. Mostly cattle, but loads of horses and even buffalo and zebra.

Kinda wierd looking back at it (pun intended).

It has certainly produced a few worried expressions…

Psychoanalysis has shown me that the roots of my problem go back to university. The then professor of anatomy, whom incidentally was as anal retentive as they come, was giving us an introduction to rectal palpation. This was one of the few times that I saw him animated. In fact, it was one of the few times that I saw him at all, as his lectures were reknowned the world over for their interminable boredom and, more importantly, their factual inaccuracy.

Fumbling around in the dark as you might say.

Despite this complete lack of signs of intelligence, and his absence of any trace of a sense of humour, he did say one thing that will forever remain in my somewhat turbid mind.

Whilst standing behind a cow brought into the lecture theatre incase none of us had seen one before, he lifted its tail and pointed at the tightly constricted orrifice saying “rectal palpation; it’s a whole new world in there…” (Foriegn readers should know that for ‘whole’ we heard 'hole’.)

His bemused expression as we rolled around the floor holding our stomachs was one to behold.

I went on to visit the good old United States of America as a student, where I shoved my arm up something like a hundred plus cow’s bottoms a day. Not many people can say that…

Inevitably, my life headed towards that specific memorable moment that we all have had in our youth. Conversation in a house full of students will always tend towards toilet humour. Add into this mix the fact that the students were veterinary and medical, the toilet humour tended to have a rectal bent. on regaling the medical students with tales of arm thrusting humour, one particular female medic enquired how we dealt with the smaller members of our patient list, before coming out with the immortal line “There’s no way you’re getting your hand in my pussy…”

Speechless.

All this childhood abuse has had deviant effects on my photography.

That and the fact that wildlife knows just how to deal with photographers…

I think I’ve probably gone as far as I can with this blog. I hope I haven’t put anyone off their lunch.

Phil