Dune - Part One

Dune: A mythic and emotionally challenged hero's journey. 

This is the story of Phil Heides, a brilliant and gifted young man (erm - bolshy old git) born into a great destiny beyond his understanding (as are most things), who must travel to the most dangerous parts of France to ensure the future of his family and his cat.

As malevolent forces explode into conflict over France's exclusive supply of the most precious resource in existence (wine) a commodity capable of unlocking humanity's greatest potential - only those who can conquer their fear will survive to drink more than one bottle.

Our story starts with a long voyage to the outer reaches of the snooker room.

After spending an entire night struggling to get out of the drive, the two star struck lovers, Phil and his concubine Annick leave their home, fighting immense battles with demonstrating taxi-drivers and hurtling through intense sand-storms (of the damp variety), only to finally find a short respite on a remote strip of damp grass. 

Very damp grass.

This led to a short break away from rampaging Harkonnens and sand-worms in a small oasis called Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port.

An oasis full of precious alcoholic resources...

and watery stuff

OK, maybe we haven't got to the sandy bit yet...

As wine can only be produced in France, control of the country is a coveted and dangerous undertaking.

We climbed up the ramparts to escape the Emperor's ferocious Sardaukar troops...

...to look down upon the Church of the Bene Gesserit. 

The concubine Lady Annick is an acolyte of the Bene Gesserit, an exclusively female group with their own toilets, that pursues mysterious political aims (such as bending their men to their will and hurting peoples fingers) and wields seemingly superhuman physical and mental abilities (possibly slightly exaggerated by their propaganda department), such as the ability to control their bodies down to the cellular level (a bit like all of us really), and also decide the sex of their children (unless they decide otherwise).

Having passed through torture and torment (there were a lot of steps) we finally looked down upon the desert below. (Photoshopping required...)

And so, thanks to the interplanetary travel made possible by Bordeaux wine, we arrive in Arrakis (aka Biarritz.)

The fortress loomed over the desert.

Due to severe budgetary cuts, the arid dunes devoid of any water were more than a little humid.

Phil was beset by visions of a future with water deep enough to dive into.

Ok guys, we're overdoing the water visions...

The local wildlife was dangerous indeed.

Here's another...

And there, the Harkonnen stronghold of Biarritz...

Even those sand dunes looked suspiciously wet.

Finally, sand dunes made of real sand. And a few tree trunks, and a multitude of bits of plastic. 

I don't remember that in the film.

To avoid being consumed by sand-worms, I carefully developed the ability to walk with a limp. A limp what you may ask? 

Realising we were close to the end of Part One, we up and left to discus terms with our agents. 

Leaving Arrakis, the dunes waved goodbye...

See what I did there?

Thankfully the most awesome battles could be watched from afar. 

Here, France destroying Wales....

Next: Dune, Part Two - The Children of Dune.