The most important thing in life

There are very many important things in our lives. Some think family the most valued, some think love, some money, some the right coloured passport. But one thing is above all others.

And I don’t mean curved bananas.

Only one thing is utterly indispensable.

The suspense is killing...

To assess the relative success of different cultures in finding those important things in life we need reliable information, which comes to us in different forms, be it social intercourse, the world-wide inter-wibbly wobbly net thingy, or simply reading a paper. In the uk, finding a reliable source is getting evermore difficult as a bottomless chasm is dividing opinions. Thankfully the UK has the Daily Mail and the Sun newspapers to put us on the straight and narrow (if veering somewhat to the extreme right). They have made it clear that the English are the font of all that is good, and Johnny Foreigner is the source of all things bad, from disgusting habits (such as kissing cheeks) to pot-holes in the roads.

However, is this information really reliable? To be certain, one needs evidence, and to that end our friends Gill & Paul, headed over to visit us in poverty stricken mainland Europe. 

They flew over on one of their private jets, arriving at Toulouse awaiting us to subserviently escort them home.

The poverty was immediately obvious to them. The French people are so poor that few can afford cars let alone private jets. This was made obvious by the abhorrent lack of vehicles on the roads, unlike in the jolly old homeland where individual wealth is plain to see, where cars are so abundant that there is hardly enough space on the roads! 

This leaves bizarre gaps in the road where cars are meant to be, further evidenced by the smooth road surface. The French cannot even afford pot-holes!

After spending a little time at our hovel feasting on breadcrumbs and the awful French alternative to cheddar, and after a whip-round for some petrol, we headed off to see at first hand the abject poverty of the surrounding villages.

Our first visit was to Caylus. 

There were few cars visible, and all the houses were hundreds of years old. No sign of new build. Locals were forced to sell their personal belongings on the streets. Heartbreaking.

Clearly the Daily Mail was right. Europe is in severe financial crisis. This was made even more self-evident in the next village, Saint-Antonin-Noble-Val...

...where, instead of the ubiquitous yachts seen all around the UK, the local peasants were forced to use kayaks.

Erm, ok, that kayak moved too fast for my camera. I’ll photoshop one in later...

After an exhausting day out, we returned to our ancient domicile, to drown our sorrows in what Trump informs us is the poor excuse for wine that France produces. If only we were in the future 52nd state of the USA.

Later that week, so as to gather further evidence, we visited yet another local village, Najac.

The lighting was beyond its sell-by date, weeds grew out of the walls

of the housing which could have come from the middle-ages!

Dominating the village is one of the strongholds of the European overlords, full of unelected dictator Eurocrats, looming harshly over the poor doomed inhabitants.

We had brought with us a young member of our own family, in the hope of providing her with some much-needed nourishment. Sadly, a local food establishment only proved to us that Johnny Foreigner cannot master the art of bangers and mash.

As we left the establishment, we were horrified by the sight of thousands of yellow-jacketed men that the the Mail had assured us were everywhere....

Luckily I was there to rescue the poor wastrel.

We then approached the doom laden dictatorial mansion with some trepidation.

As I feared losing our friends, I took this last photo to remember them by. 

With our friends already forgotten, we struggled on through the hoards of violent gendarmes...

thankfully suffering only minor injuries from kisses on both cheeks. You will no doubt be relieved to hear that we all escaped otherwise unharmed. 

Our adventure had taught us many things:

• That Europe is indeed crumbling as fully explained in every single edition of the Daily Mail.
• That the logical thing for the UK to do is to leave Europe and head off westward to become a vassal state of the USA.
• That properly made mashed potatoes should not be slimy and sticky.
• That friends and family are almost as important in life as money.
• That it is important to buy goods made in England

• That the most important thing in life, the thing that you need close by at all times, wherever you go, whatever time of day, is...

The Throne.

Otherwise known as... The Toilet.